Saturday, 25 December 2010

Exorcising exercise #1


I love Christmas day, it is beautiful, it is far better than Christmas eve. I practically do nothing today, I just think and stay in silence most of the time, as if keeping the turmoil of thoughts that I hold inside would help me to figure out life. And it does. Same goes to New year's day. These two days I keep myself from the world and think, some lucid thoughts appear and I write them down; today I will share a feeling I had today, as an exercise to let the 2010 out and I hope to do this more often.

I was watching this movie, The Holiday. Didn't have much expectations about it, but I did because I like to prove myself that I can watch a movie I don't want to and not let it pass without giving it a chance. Well, after watching it and shedding lots of tears (I practically cried myself out the whole movie from the introduction to the ending titles) I discovered that I relate a lot to one of the characters: Iris.

You should watch the movie, I won't tell you what it is about, but it is wonderful, it got me from the first lines she said in the beginning, lines that touched sensible fibers deep down in my black heart, lines I want to share with you:

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind".
Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!
Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.
I always expect a happy ending. I'm perfectly aware of the fact that it is NOT possible and that I'm a stupid dreamer. This tie all I ask for is to have, at least, a moment of revelation and of pure joy like the one Iris had when Jasper went to L.A to visit her. (Now you got to watch the movie to find out what it all is about). Is all I ask for, to finally let it all go.

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